Another year passed! Wo Kehte Hai Na…..life goes on, it keeps going on. You meet new people, you leave some behind. No matter how many storms you come across or how wretched you feel, life never stops offering you new things and new people.
But what if you forget to live, forget to desire, and most importantly forget to trust amidst all this? What to do when you forget to value that priceless freedom you have longed for all your life? What are you supposed to do when you achieve that peace in life but fail to enjoy it? And above all, you don’t want to trust this new change.
Sometimes why it’s so impossible to feel good despite noticing positive and new changes around you. Is it true that things lose their value if they don’t come to you at a certain point in time? Does a delay make you lose trust in things & people?
Losing Trust & Seeking Answers
I am desperately trying to find out the answer. When things seem to start falling into place, why do you still feel lost? I have been praised and made feel good recently, then I should have been confident about my life na.
Then, why am I losing trust in friendship, new change and new things? Maybe I just don’t want to. I am surprised but I hate meeting people and talking to them nicely. And why do everything and everyone just feels fake?
Why it’s becoming impossible for me to make friends, to trust someone? It often feels like, I will be left alone, I will have to live alone. I hate being alone but even this fear doesn’t make me meet people and trust them.
It’s creating triggers. I feel extremely triggered when someone initiates a talk or offers friendship. I want to share my things with someone, but I hate how he/she is going to break my trust soon. I imagine that moment in my head that they are going to leave me midway. Because human beings are selfish by nature, nobody can care about you.
Here, in Vrindavan, I have found a new direction for my spiritual progress. I love visiting Iskcon, it gives me new hope. I don’t know what it is but it feels like destiny has brought me here for this Iskcon only.
I had never thought I would become like this. However, spirituality has given me a new direction, but, I am just a new student in this class. I still don’t know how to cope with a loss. And why can’t I be like those people who easily move on (1)?
And here, I keep feeling stuck even after moving on. It often surprises me how I can be so foolish. I have taken several big, practical decisions for myself, and my family, and you would also get surprised to know I am a very good adviser to my close ones.
Moved On But Got New Triggers
But my own heart is stuck on some old memories, old promises, and old trust that have been destroyed by people very ruthlessly, and cruelly. It’s not like that I haven’t accepted those cruelties. Trust me, this year in 2022, I witnessed evil residing in human hearts. And that should have been enough for me to forget anything. Still, I haven’t made peace with that broken faith.
From 2-3 years ago until now, I hate being called, ‘you are strong“. This phrase always creates a trigger and makes me feel that a new storm is coming, a dear one is going or a new responsibility is coming. And congratulations, I have become so strong that I managed to live my nightmares this year, and saw the worst face of human tendencies. I have fought the patriarchy standing alone.
So, I seek the answer, is becoming strong could bring peace into my life? Doesn’t being strong again & again make you bitter and bitter and more bitter?
And to add more bitterness to me, Some new words have been added to my dictionary as new triggers, ‘trust, friendship, love, faith’. Even though I am okay with not trusting things, even if I manage it, these words never leave me.
How do I tell this world, the force I used to close the door of my heart was created by accepting unbearable emotional pain and living my nightmares? I lost the older version of myself and had to create a more bitter version to make a shield around me. Now, I can’t destroy this shield by trusting someone again, not for love, not even for friendship and not even after death. I fear the word ‘trust‘ and the way I can’t express it in words.
I feel emotional at times, and often get triggered and sometimes with very small things. And today is that day, my emotions are beyond my control and I couldn’t share them with anyone because of my trust issues.
Then I suddenly remembered, I have my blog, my child, where I share anything. However, I usually don’t share my personal life much here but once in a while, it’s a safe place because none of my family reads my blogs.
Positivity & Proud Feeling
I know this post is negative, I am very negative here. But, I think practical negativity sometimes is far better than toxic positivity. You are free to say anything, and unlike toxic positivity, it doesn’t give you any hope or trust to only break it later.
The only positive thing about my life currently is I am proud of myself for choosing right over wrong, standing up for my mother, and fighting for my rights.
Yes, I am not happy yet; but proud of my right decisions. I think everyone should feel proud of themselves for not leaving someone alone even when their loved ones forget their sacrifices and criticize them. Because today at this phase of life, this is the only thing that brings me peace and satisfaction.
My cousin sister says, “jab aap kisi achi baat ka sankalp lete ho to bahut si pareeksha ati hai, tumhara rasta sahi hai, tum jarur Jeet jaogi. Bhagwan par Vishwas Karo! (when you stand up for right, your path will be full of storms but these storms only take you to your destiny. You will win one day, for sure! )”
Who Is Trustworthy When You Don’t Trust Anyone?
In Bhagavad Gita also, Bhagwan Shri Krishna says, “the right path may be full of struggles but it never lets you to Durgati (bad end). You don’t get the fruits the day you plant the seeds. Have patience. Nobody who does the good work will ever come to a bad end.”
However, at times, I doubt myself. I feel, “Kya mai sach me sahi hu? Aur agar han to Sahi karte karte aur ladte-ladte sarr se paon tak thak Gayi hu mai, fir bhi kayi baar aisa lagta hai k haar Gayi hu mai!”
But you know? After all this, I know Bhagwan is with me. God is with me even though I lose faith in Him.